TRACK TWO EMOTIONS LESSON 6 ANGER TEACHER’S COPY HANDOUTS

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Track Two, Emotions


Lesson 6: Anger

Teacher’s Copy


HANDOUTS: 1) Page 84 from the book Heart of Anger, 2) 4 Rules of Communication, 3) What Do You Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand (pamphlet) by Adams., 4) Ways to Communicate, 5) How to Respond to an Angry Person, 6) Anger: Escaping the Maze by Powlison (mini-book)

PRAYER


REVIEW HOMEWORK FROM LAST WEEK


THIS WEEK’S LESSON:


I. Righteous vs. Sinful Anger


When faced with a problem, everyone has the potential to become angry.

Some might say that not all anger is sinful. In fact some might say that anger can actually be righteous. In the book Experiencing Oneness, the author suggests that righteous anger is directed toward injustices inflicted on the helpless. His comparison of righteous and sinful anger is as follows:

Righteous Sinful

Unselfish Selfish

Controlled Uncontrolled

Directed toward the act Directed toward the person

No resentment Bitterness

2% 98%


If the above points are true, then most of our anger is sinful anger.


Lou Priolo provides many examples of manifestations of sinful anger in a chart on page 84 of his book, Heart of Anger (Handout.) As we look over this list, is it easy to trust Gary & Carrie Oliver, authors of the article “Marital Anger”, who state that most people face anger a minimum of eight to ten times a day.


According to Ephesians 4:26-32, sinful anger has two extremes:


  1. We can “clam up”

  2. We can “blow up”


Priolo says that “anger is an emotion God gives to us for the purpose of destroying something” (pg. 53.)


If we clam up or internalize the anger, what is it that we destroy? (ourselves)

Passive Expression is another way of saying “clamming up”. Internalizing anger can lead to behavioral, physical and mental symptoms, and destructive attitudes.


If we blow up or ventilate the anger, what do we destroy? (others or the relationship) Aggressive Expression is another way of saying “blowing up”. When we “let it all out” and dump on those around us, we can weaken trust and destroy relationships. Angry explosions can lead to rage that alienates and polarizes.


Read Proverbs 29:11. What does the writer call a person who vents his anger? (a fool)



What is it that God wants destroyed? (the problem – God wants us to release our anger under His control toward the problem.) Read Ephesians 4:2-3. What is our attitude toward each other to be? (humble, gentle, patient, overlooking faults out of love) How does he want us to live together? (peacefully)


Considering Ephesians 4:2-3, what kinds of problems might God desire anger to destroy? Or . . . what might we be righteously angry at for the purpose of eliminating it? (whatever threatens peace among his people)



II. Godly Communication


Since most of our problems involve someone else it is vital that we understand Godly communication in order to “transfer anger from our hearts to the problem” (Priolo, pg. 54.) Mishandled anger is one of the major roadblocks to communication.


In the New Testament, Paul distinguishes the feeling of anger from the chosen behavior in Ephesians 4:26-27. We clearly have choices about how to deal with the emotion. It need not control us. God accepts anger as a normal experience in life but points out that the way we deal with choices to manage it makes all the difference in our relationships.

The Greek word for communication is koinonia. A biblical synonym for communication is fellowship. Read Hebrews 13:15-16. A literal translation of verse 16 is “be not forgetful of good deeds and fellowship” (Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words, Vine, pg. 216.)


What does the writer say about such good deeds and fellowship? (They are sacrifices that are pleasing to God)


Mary Kassian, in the book Conversation Peace, says that god-pleasing communication is sacrificial because the focus is not on self, but on others. In god-pleasing communication it is more important to understand than to be understood, to listen than to be listened to, and to give than to receive.


Read Proverbs 18:13. “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame.” What lesson does this verse provide for Covenant Partners? (Note: in the NLT, the verse reads, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts.)



III. Sinful Communication during Conflict


True/False Quiz (from Building Relationships, Olson, Defrain, Olson)


  1. People fight mainly over important issues. F

  2. The more intimate the relationship, the greater the opportunity for conflict. T

  3. An argument can often strengthen a relationship. T

  4. When there is a problem in a relationship, usually both people are at fault. T

  5. Bringing up the past often creates more conflict. T


What is conflict anyway? Ken Sande in his book, The Peacemaker, tells us that conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.


Conflict is not necessarily wrong or bad. Conflict can help us make better decisions because different people working together can disagree, challenge each other, and through discussion make better decisions. Conflict often serves to strengthen us and help us grow. Sometimes conflict forces us to better understand each other. The Bible teaches us that we should be in conflict with the world and its ways (Romans 12:2)


On the other hand, conflict is not always neutral or beneficial. Often it is in conflict that our sinful nature is revealed.



PRINCIPLE #1: UNGODLY CONFLICT IS SIN ROOTED IN DESIRES-TURNED DEMANDS THAT CONTROL THE HEART (James 4:1-3.)


Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. When we see that desire as being essential to our well-being, it moves from desire to demand. We enter into sinful conflict when we desire something more than we desire to honor God and are willing to sin to get it (James 4:1-4.) Often it is not what we want that’s the problem, but that we want it too much. C. S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, “We know that every natural impulse, however innocent in itself, may stand between God and us, and so become an idol.” To identify idols, ask yourself the following: “What do I want more than I want to please God? What do I want so much that I am willing to sin to get it?” These sinful desires are sometimes referred to as “idols of the heart”.


These are some typical desires that can become all consuming demands (Conflict by Timothy Lane and Motives by Ed Welch):


Comfort Pleasure Respect

Approval Peace Happiness

Success Control Significance

Power Freedom Love


Sinful conflict includes self righteous attitudes. Eighty-one percent of 21,501 couples surveyed by Life Innovations disagreed on who was responsible for their conflict. In other words there was not a sense of mutual responsibility for their problem; rather they believed that one was more to blame than the other. Blamers spend a lot of time and energy trying to change the other person when, if fact, relationship problems are rarely one person’s fault.


When a cp is in conflict with another person, the CP should resist the tendency to find fault only with the other person (who is usually not present.) By focusing on what the cp contributed to the sinful conflict and focusing on changing that sinful behavior or attitude, the process of godly conflict resolution can begin.


PRINCIPLE #2 OUR TENDENCY IS TO SHIFT THE BLAME WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT OUR SIN (Genesis 3:10-13)



Gottman, in the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, talks about 4 toxic areas in sinful conflict. He calls these the “4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.” They are as follows:


    1. Criticism. Blame is closely associated with criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone’s character, rather than a specific behavior. It starts with a complaint about a specific behavior but deteriorates into general accusations. Words can harm. Read James 3:5-8. What does he have to say about toxic, negative words?


    1. Contempt. What did Christ say about using words of contempt in Matthew 5:22?


Contempt is different from criticism in that contempt is a pervasive intention to abuse another, often in the form of insults, name calling, hostile humor, mockery, total disrespect.


    1. Defensiveness. Contempt leads to defensiveness, which is nothing more than an attempt to protect oneself and ward off the attack. Insults call for defending oneself, which tend to escalate conflict not resolve it. Gottman says that defensiveness takes various forms, such as denying responsibility, making excuses, cross-complaining, saying yes--but, repeating, and whining. What does God’s Word have to say about defensiveness in Genesis 3:12?


    1. Stonewalling. Research shows that men do this more often than women. It is an act of conveying disapproval, distance, or smugness without words . . . a stubborn resistance to react or respond to the other person. When this becomes habit forming, it is very destructive relationship. Withdrawal makes it impossible for a person to be an engaged, intentional listener.

In Ephesians 4:27, Paul talks about giving the devil a foothold when you are angry and won’t talk. What happens when you wait too long to talk things out? Read Proverbs 3:27. What does it say about withholding good?


Think for a minute about a conflict in which you have recently been involved. How did you respond? Did the 4 horsemen show up in any of your responses? Share your thoughts with the class or with a partner



PRINCIPLE #3 EVEN WHEN WE DESIRE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT BEFORE GOD, WE FREQUENTLY ENCOUNTER A STRUGGLE BETWEEN OUR SINFUL AND REDEEMED NATURES (Romans 7:14-24.)



How do we as God’s children find strength and power to resist our sinful nature and do what God commands? (Put off and put on) Read 2 Peter 1:3-10 (Another reference is Ephesians 4:22-24.)


  1. Biblical approaches to conflict resolution



PRINCIPLE #4 GOD IS LOVE AND HIS NATURE IS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT, FORGIVE SIN, AND BRING PEACE (Genesis 3:15, 21-24.)


In the seminar guide, “Blessed are the Peacemakers” developed by Ambassadors of Reconciliation and adapted from The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, it states that God provides the perfect way to address conflict, beginning with the conflict between Him and us.


What do the following passages say about how God deals with the conflict between Him and His people AND/OR about how we should deal with the conflict between us and others?


Romans 3:23-24


Ephesians 2:8-9



Philippians 2:1-4



Colossians 1:20; 3:12-15



We are guided by what God has done for us and what He commands us to do.

Jesus Christ is the foundation for true peacemaking and reconciliation. He is the author of conflict resolution. Read the following and identify two points that guide the Christian in conflict: Ephesians 2:10, Ephesians 4:22-24, Romans 12:1-2


  1. We are changed in Christ.


  1. We can think and behave like Him.


The following are three approaches to resolving conflicts biblically. These points of conflict resolution reveal our foundation in the Gospel.

  1. Overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11, 1 Peter 4:8) (Note to Teacher: You might want to refer to the Forgiveness Flowchart here.)

Can love cover it? There are many disputes that are insignificant and should be resolved by quietly overlooking the offense. Overlooking is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into anger.

An offense should be overlooked if we can answer “no” to these questions:

Remember, there is a fine line between overlooking an offense and denying that a conflict exists. What is the main difference? (Overlooking is a decision to forgive; resentment is a consequence of denial.)

What do you do when you can’t overlook?

2. Confession and Forgiveness


  1. Negotiation/Gentle Restoration of Relationship (Philippians 2:3-4; Matthew7:12)



Practical Ways to Gentle Restoration of Relationships

(Parts adapted from Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman and “Ten Steps to Conflict Resolution,” Empowering Couples, Olson)


  1. Calm Down. Call a time out. Take as much time as you need – but plan a time to meet again. Replace the distress with comforting thoughts from God’s Word. Focus on the Lord. (Psalm 37:4; Proverbs 4:23-24)


Prayer is the starting point for all meaningful change. Without God’s assistance we will fail. (John 15:4-5) Pray and ask God to get the log out of your own eye first. Examine yourself. Free yourself from sin with confession to the Lord.


Free your emotions so that you are able to listen and respond in a way that will give glory to Him. Then you are ready to put on the new self. (Ephesians 4:24) Some questions to ask yourself are as follows (4 Rules of Communication (Handout)):


  1. Do I have the facts? (Proverbs 18:13)


  1. Is my attitude positive or negative? (Ephesians 4:15)


  1. Is the time right for both of us? (Proverbs 15:23b)


  1. Speak without being defensive or blaming. Choose to have a positive mindset. Remind yourself of the positive qualities of other person. (Philippians 4:4-9) Admit your part of the problem. What have you done to contribute to the problem?


  1. Validate by listening and expressing truth. Listen to understand the other’s feelings and consider them (the feelings) to be valid or true even if you don’t share them. Respond empathetically. What does Proverbs 20:5 have to say about acceptances of feelings? (We need to be partners of understanding who draw out each other’s hearts.) In the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey states, “You must be able to say sincerely, ‘The fact that we see things differently is a strength, not a weakness in our relationship. ‘You see it differently, good! Help me understand.’”


  1. Confess and forgive if there has been an offense. By the grace of God you can forgive as the Lord forgave you. Assess your contribution to the problem. How did your sins contribute to this problem? Use the replacement principle, put off and put on. Put off negative thoughts and memories and replace them with positive ones. Do the same with your word and actions.


  1. Brainstorm solutions. Take turns offering solutions to the disagreement. Write them down but do not discuss them until together you have at least five possible solutions. Take turns explaining reasons for your possible solutions while the other does intentional listening. Decide on one to try. Agree on how to work toward the solution. Determine a time to evaluate the solution.



The Goal of Asssertiveness


Our goal is to become assertive in all our communication, not only when we’re angry. The book, Speaking the Truth in Love (Haugk & Koch) describes assertiveness as behavior that honors self while honoring others (pg. 23.) Assertive Christians behave and communicate in ways that are respectful to others and respectful to self.


Les Carter, in The Anger Trap, says it this way: Assertive people are (indeed) open about their needs and perspectives, but there is no sense of entitlement that accompanies their expression. Likewise, there is no desire to be so strong willed that others feel insignificant or invalidated. Assertive people place great value on the dignity and worth of each person involved in the conflict. They have a belief in their own justifiable feelings and ideas just as they also have a high regard for the needs and perspectives of others (pg. 35.)


Review: Ways to Communicate (Handout)



How to Express Anger Assertively

(taken in part from Speaking the Truth in Love, Haugk & Koch)


The Five Do’s


  1. Do – own your anger.

Admit that you are angry and commit to expressing it assertively. Denying anger is either passive or passive-aggressive.


Give some examples of passive-aggressive anger (See handout “Ways to Communicate” for help.)


  1. Do – use your anger energies well.

Anger summons energy to “fight” or “flight” as your body’s physiological response to the emotion is to release adrenalin into one’s system. Remember that God has designed anger to destroy the problem. Rather than fight or flight, use excitement and motivation to problem solve.


Is “fight” a passive or aggressive response? (Aggressive)


Is “flight” a passive or aggressive response? (Passive)


  1. Do – be concise.

Identify your issue and what you want to say about it. Get to the point calmly, but firmly.


  1. Do – stick to the issue.

Talk about just one issue at a time.

  1. Do – use “I messages” and “I want statements”

Take responsibility for your own feelings and desires. Use the following format:


I feel ________________________ when you _________________________ I want you to ___________________________________________.


Practice using “I” messages in the following situation.






The 5 Don’ts


  1. Don’t – use the words “should” “always” “never”


“Always and never are two words you should

always remember never to use.”
-- Wendell Johnson


Avoid using absolutes or generalizations like “always” and “never”. They are rarely, if ever true and, to the receiver, they feel like attacks on one’s character. The word “should” comes across as assigning your personal expectations to the behavior of others. Instead, use the words, “It would be nice if you . . .” “I would prefer that you . . .” “It would be helpful if you . . .”


Can you think of times when absolute terms would be appropriate?


Put off absolutes and put on “give the benefit of the doubt” (or as Luther put it in the explanation to the 8th Commandment: Put the best construction on everything.)


  1. Don’t – use sarcasm.

Sarcasm from Greek sarkasmos, 'to tear flesh' is sneering, jesting, or mocking a person, situation or thing. It is strongly associated with irony, with some definitions classifying it as a type of verbal irony intended to insult or wound — stating the opposite of the intended meaning, e.g. using "that's fantastic" to mean "that's awful". It is used in a humorous manner, often harshly, and is expressed through vocal intonations such as over-emphasizing the actual statement or particular words. Use of sarcasm is sometimes viewed as an expression of concealed anger or annoyance. (Wikipedia Online Encyclopedia.)

Put off sarcasm and put on gentle and kind speech.

  1. Don’t – label or name call.


This behavior escalates one’s own anger and makes others defensive. Name calling and labeling are social weapons according to Mike Hardcastle in his on- line column “Advice for Teens” at http://teenadvice.about.com. He writes, “It (social weapon) was probably the first one any of us use or are subjected to by others. As far back as grade school kids call each other names and label one another according to a perceived social status; cool, sporty, brainy, nerdy, geeky, loser . . . In high school the tactic is still used. Sometimes those original grade school labels stick with a person all the way up to high school. Other times, the names and labels become more sinister with age. A lot of the time, the labels are grounded in some truth about the person which makes them even harder to shake.”


Put off labeling and name calling and put on building one another up!


  1. Don’t – bring up the past.

Stay focused. Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely. Dealing with the past incites more anger and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Avoid bringing up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another, and finding a solution.

Put off bringing up past issues and put on staying current.

  1. Don’t – forget to pray.

Cover the conversation with prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit to be present for guidance and protection.


“We pray for you always, that our God will . . . fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power.” 2 Thessalonians 1:11



PRINCIPLE #5: DON’T SIN BY LETTING ANGER CONTROL YOU (Proverbs 25:28.)


ASSIGN HOMEWORK


PRAYER



















Homework, Week 6

Emotions Focus Area


.

  1. Carefully read the handout “4 Rules of Communication”. Look up all the Bible verses. Memorize the 4 rules.


  1. Which passages from Ephesians 4:22-24 support each of the following principles:


PRINCIPLE #6 BE HONEST.


PRINCIPLE #7 BE CURRENT.


PRINCIPLE #8 ATTACK PROBLEMS, NOT PEOPLE.


PRINCIPLE #9 ACT, DON’T REACT.


Find at least one other passage that supports each of these principles.


  1. Make a homework sheet explaining LOVE COVERS IT.


  1. Read the pamphlet, What Do You Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand, by Adams. Summarize it in a few sentences.


  1. Read the handout, “How to Deal with an Angry Person.”


  1. Read the mini-book, Anger-Escaping the Maze by Powlison. When we see people in a counseling situation they are not necessarily angry at that time, but want to discuss a situation that has caused them to respond angrily. We might say that they have a need to “work through” their anger with the guidance of a Covenant Partner. Sinful anger requires use of the put-off, put-on principle – put off anger and put on godly behavior.


Go to page 16 in the Powlison booklet (Anger: Escaping the Maze.) Think of a time when you were angry in recent days or weeks. Briefly respond to following questions to help you find a pathway out of the anger.


Question 1: What is your situation?


Question 2: How did you react? (Passive, Aggressive, Assertive? What was your self-talk? To whom or what was your anger directed?)


Question 3: What were your motives? (What did you want? What is in your heart that is “spilling out”?)


Question 4: What are the consequences of your anger?


Question 5: What is true? (What do we know about God’s truth that speaks to this situation? What do I need to put off-put on?)


Question 6: How can you turn to God for help?


Question 7: How should you respond in this situation to glorify God?


Question 8: What are the consequences of faith and obedience?



PRINCIPLE #10: RESIST PRIDE. BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR OWN SINFUL ANGER (Proverbs 11:2.)





Resources:

The Holy Bible

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey

Exploring Oneness, Gillogly

The Heart of Anger, Priolo

Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words,Vine

Conversation Peace, Kassian

The Peacemaker, Sande

Building Relationships, Olson, Defrain, Olson

The Four Loves, Lewis

Motives, Welch

Conflict, Lane

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman

Life Innovations; Prepare-Enrich Survey

Marital Anger, Oliver, Gary & Carrie

What Do You Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand, Adams

Anger: Escaping the Maze, Powlison

Speaking the Truth in Love, Haugk & Koch


Revised January 24, 2011

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